Here are some jokes that I've gotten lately. If you are easly offended please leave now, because you will be sooner or later.


It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. this is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.
Theplace was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

Tho boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two inory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistal from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and..."


I don't have a license to kill. I have a learners permit.

Taxations WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

White water is over when the First Lady sings.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.


One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the firststudent to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what you country can do for you, but..." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon wverhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."


A man went to the Dendist for a check up. Upon examination the doctor discovered the bad shape the mans teeth were getting. He then asked the man "Are you brushing and flossing on a regular schedual?". To which the man replied "Not realy. I just got a promotion at work and I don't have alot of free time for personal hygine."

The doctor said "I'll let you in on alittle secret. I found to get really white teeth I go home and eat my wife out, you know, oral sex. It's kind of like brushing and flossing at the same time." The man said that sounds like a real time saving idea and that he would give it a try.

So, six months later the man was back in the Dentist chair for another check up. The dentist notices an improved difference, and said "Hey I take it you followed my advice.". With a renewed smile the man replied, "Yes I did Doc. And you have a beautiful house too."


There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three wonem who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximatly 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in fromt of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.."


A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place... The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a diry look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your darn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to this way all the time?" Wife says: "No officer, only when he's drinking."


A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse. "Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!" The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?" The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. you'll see the big red flames." Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?"
Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"


A Rabbi and a Korean fellow were sitting next to each other on an airplane. Shortly after takeoff the Rabbi turned to the Korean and said "Yow know I'll never forgive you Chinese for what you did to are boys at Pearl Harbour during the Second World War!"

With utter surprise the Korean said "What!! I'm not Chinese I'm Korean, and besides, it wasn't the Chinese that bombed Pearl Harbour it was the Japanese, you idiot." The Rabbi replied "Korean, Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" After a few minutes in silence the Korean turned to the Rabbi and said "You know what? I'll never forgive your people for what they did to the Titanic!".

With a puzzled look on his face, the Rabbi said "What are you talking about? My people had nothing to do with the sinking of the Titanic, it was an Iceberg!". To which the Korean said "Iceberg, Greenberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!"


A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, coming upon a farm when he noticed a pig standing by the gate to the farm. Something was different about the pig and the salesman slowed down for a better look.

As he got closer he noticed that the pig had a wooden leg. It was intricately carved. Someone had taken a lot of time to make this leg for the pig.

The salesman decided to drive up to the farmhouse to find out more about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer came out to meet him as he arrived at the house. The salesman said, "I couldn't help but notice your pig with the wooden leg. What ever happened that caused him to have a wooden leg?"

The farmer said, "That pig is a special pig to us. Yes sir, he's really a special pig all right." The salesman asked, "What maks him such a special pig?" The farmer explained, "well, I guess he was just born that way, but that pig saved our lives. Our house caught on fire and that pig came up on the porch and banged and banged on the door and grunted and made such a ruckus that he woke us up. He saved our lives. He sure is a special pig to us."

"I see," said the salesman. "He sure is a special pig all right. I now can understand that, but how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer explains, "Now didn't I tellyou that pig was a special pig? Anyone knows that you don't eat a special pig like that all at once!"

Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Almost everyone wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, worte the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As far how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentionally.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, That "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

This answer got the only A.


Four men telling tales in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.

First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commission salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave HIS best friend a new house for his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made him a broker and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday.

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15